Anyone think I could get a government grant with my concept?
November 3rd, 2009
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These days it seems like everyone is getting ridiculous amounts of money for stupid, unworkable, useless concepts for no other reason than they seem “green.” The US government has been one of the biggest finances of these concepts, flushing away huge amounts of money on things as dumb as a solar powered road.
Well, I’m tired of not getting some of the gravy train and I want to get some dollars now, before they become completely worthless due to the inflationary spending of the Federal Government. I have bad ideas all the time, yet I never have run with them.
Now I have a new concept which I hope will get as much financing as the energy-generating revolving door, the solar powered roadway or the pneumatic automobile.
Here is the concept:
As climate change and energy shortages threaten our planet and economy, a remarkable new technology promises to revolutionize transportation and provide for the ultimate green car revolution. The BandPower(tm) system uses proven technology that is robust, green, ecologically-friendly, renewable, green, domestic and green. Band power will create millions of new jobs, revitalize the American economy and save the planet.
Unlike other methods of propelling automobiles, the BandPower(tm) system stores energy without having to resort to bulky and expensive batteries or fuel cells. The system utilizes the unique properties inherent to rubber bands that allow them to store vast amounts of energy and propel a vehicle. While this elegant solution may seem new, it is actually a refinement of a well proven technology that has existed for years.
The first rubber-band powered vehicles appeared in the 1930’s and proved that the technology could work. However, at the time they were seen as a threat to the established automotive industry and to the oil companies. With oil prices low and supplies seemingly unlimited, it was easy for these companies to crush the fledgling technology before it could take over. Over the years, the oil, coal and nuclear companies have conspired to keep the rubber band energy systems from reemerging. Now, however, everything is different. A new president promises change and the BandPower(tm) system is all about change!
Our technology:
While the core of the BandPower(tm) system is based on existing technology, the system also incorporates cutting edge technology to make the BandPower(tm) system more efficient and green than any that came before it. Embedded microchip technology allows us to place tiny microchips in the rubber bands themselves, allowing for the rubber bands to wireless interface with the Internet. This will allow them to transmit performance data back to web servers and to alert a central computer when one of the rubber bands breaks. By the time the vehicle gets to the next service station, a new rubber band will be ready for replacement of the broken band!
An advanced system for governing and controlling the rubber band power system is also in the works. It will also be web-connected and will feature an advanced artificial-intelligence algorithm. An inhibitor chip will be attached that will prevent the advanced AI systems from becoming self-aware or evil and thus threatening the safety of the vehicle’s occupants. The governing system will allow the bands to be re-coiled by regenerative breaking and will meter how the band untwists using a ratchet-based system.
Recharge the BandPower(tm) system can be accomplished by a number of methods. For those who prefer to stick with traditional fueling methods, a motorized re-winded will be avaliable that will be able to completely recharge the rubber bands in a matter of minutes or more.
For those who want the ultimate green energy solution, a revolutionary product will allow the BandPower(tm) system to be recharged an indefinite number of times without the need for service stations or electricity. Our advanced PowerKey(tm) device interfaces with the BandPower(tm) port and allows recharging anywhere, anytime. Made from an advanced copper-zinc alloy, the PowerKey(tm) is portable and user-friendly. The owner simply inserts the PowerKey(tm) into the port and turns it until the BandPower(tm) system is re-energized.
The BandPower(tm) system is all about flexibility, and so users are not limited to the PowerKey(tm) device. Another method of recharging the BandPower(tm) system is to put the vehicle into gear and then push it backwards. This can be accomplished easily by rolling the vehicle down a hill. Our advanced AI-based governing system also comes into play here. By controlling the release of energy from the BandPower(tm) system and adjusting the ratcheting mechanism, the control systems will be able to cut the probability that the vehicle will role forward after being pushed back and run over the user by more than 30%.
Right now, there is only one thing standing in the way of the BandPower(tm) system: lack of copious amounts of taxpayer money to make the dream come true!
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 am and is filed under Bad Science, Culture, Enviornment, Humor, Just LAME, Not Even Wrong, Obfuscation, Politics, media. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 2:39 am
The sad thing is that if you stripped off the sarcasm, assumed a solemn tone, and added in more of the usual green blather, you would probably be taken seriously in many quarters.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 8:58 am
substitute BIG OIL with BIG RUBBER? Yeah, great plan. The only reason you are pushing this technology is because you own several rubber plantations.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
Bad news, you’ll have to contact Franquin’s heirs, because I clearly saw simlar concepts in the famous belgium comic “Gaston Lagaffe”, probably dating from the 60’s or 70’s (to be more precise, it was a door groom used to press orange juice and print promotional photos and a solar torch (“it only has one drawback, it only works on clear daylight”).
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November 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 am
Another funny precision about this caracter, to fight against oil prices, he modified his old Ford T to run on coal.
I don’t know if it was exprorted to the US, but it is a must read, as this guy had a very unique and clever way to make fun of technology and modern lifestyle.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Ha! I especially like the “power key”
Really, though, this is not all that much worse than the air powered car idea.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
I am still laughing hours after reading your blog. It perfectly shows the absurdity of green hogwashing. Call anything green, throw in a microchip here and there and the crazy morons go wild. Mentality like this is usually happening in the crumbling empire when ruling emperors have no longer any brain to save the empire from a total collapse.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Here’s my concept: Gather radioactive material from the earth, and put it together so it gets even MORE radioactive. Then use this pile of radioactive stuff to boil water and make electricity. Don’t worry, it will be safe inside a concrete dome – just like the shoe fitting flouroscope was safe and radium lit watches were perfectly safe!!
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November 3rd, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Your post is funny, there are some silly schemes out there, but I think its a good thing that Obama and the DOE has stimulated people to start investigating some of these ideas. Many of them won’t work, but if a few do it will be a good payoff.
Here’s something else from another good site about this:
http://www.damninteresting.com/why-not-a-wind-up-car
They also, have some good posts about the dangers presented by nuclear, such as the accident at Cherblyinsk Russia.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Bruce said:
So we should finance ideas that may or may not work on government money? There’s already an entity that produces incentives for good ideas – it’s called the market place and historically it’s the one that does the best job. Everything from the airplane to the telephone to Google to the microchip came from allowing people the freedom to tinker with their ideas and to profit from them.
I have some news for you about the “some of them won’t work” concept: In many (most) cases anyone with a little knowledge can tell when something won’t work before it ever gets built. Like for example, floating balloons to the stratosphere and then compressing it down to the sea level won’t cool anything. Anyone who knows the ideal gas laws can tell you that. You don’t actually need to build one to confirm it.
Yet we are hemoraging money to air powered cars, solar roads, piddle-power solar projects, compressed air energy storage and other things that anyone who actually understands math and physics could see through.
Bruce said:
Does repeating the same thing in differing words but never pplicable to the post as a whole actually mean nothing to you? For someone so concerned about the greater societal good, it’s surprising that useful contributions mean so little.
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November 4th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I don’t know how to say this in a way that doesn’t sound rude or mean-spirited, but I enjoy websites like this one where there is some good conversation on topics like energy and a little humor and stick thrown in and I don’t mind disagreements and debates, nor those who don’t know what they’re talking about (as long as they’re willing to learn what they’re talking about from those who know). In fact, I think that those who know less are the most important to invite into the discussion.
However, certain commenter who seem to harp on the same topic over and over and never really get it but keep bringing it up in unrelated threads are the kind of thing that just give me a headache out of a combination of frustration and annoyance.
The rubber band car is funny. I like the overuse of the word “green” and the “reduce by 30%” the chances of rolling over the subject. The powerkey? Advanced copper-zinc alloy? Hmm, that sounds like a brass winding key. But I guess it’s an advanced one, maybe you can connect it to the internet or something to show how high tech it is!
It’s not so much worse than a pneumatic car.
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November 4th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Sound as realistic as most of the things that get funded.
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November 4th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I am in a hurry to buy some stock in rubber plantation. The stock is soon to skyrocket when the Media announces that Steve’s “Green Automotive Rubber Works” received $100 million federal grant to produce a car that uses no gasoline.
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November 4th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Frank Kandrnal said:
Yeah, you might want to buy some stock in the oil companies too. Our plan involves the use of massive amounts of petroleum-based energy to run the tractors and transport for the rubber plantation and for the rubber refining and production. We also will be using enormous amounts of petroleum-derived solvents in the processing of the rubber. Of course, we’ll use a hell of a lot of coal to power it all, but one nice thing is we can reuse some of the sulfur from the coal and heavy oil in the vulcanization of the rubber bands.
We don’t talk about that as much though. We take out cue from the bio-fuels industry. Since the car doesn’t actually run on gasoline we just pretend none is involved at all.
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November 4th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Buzz0:
Don’t forget to include that it has a zero carbon foot print (notwithstanding all the things you mention in post #13) and comes with 14 Gorecredits. You might want to include that each car comes with a trained, band-winding polar bear (bred to increase the polar bear population and prevent the extinction of this cute and cuddly animal). Color options: green or green. Interior option: hand woven grass seats or folding chair. Other options: solar powered key winding motor for those to infirm to wind the key; hand generated emergency radio; solar powered AM-FM radio; carbon-based chassis (only $380,000 but worth it as the car will be much lighter and travel 14 feet further per band winding); and racing stripes or flames in green to make the car go .00003 mph faster.
We need names for dealerships. Suggestions anyone?
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November 5th, 2009 at 6:13 am
I think this whole rehashed “Vulcanised Protein Chain PE Storage System” is just a blind to bury my Hydroelectric Car concept, which I have outlined before on this site, and which has (in my opinion) never recieved its due recognition.
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November 5th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Finrod said:
Join the club! I came up with a new concept for a squirrel cage motor. Mine is different from other designs in that it actually has a squirrel in a cage to power it. It will provide unlimited green energy and the only thing you had to do to keep it running is give it a few nuts and acorns once in a while and replace the squirrel when it wears out (dies)
I’m still waiting for my government grant money and my public recondition.
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